Looks like we’re on our own this year, Just us and a million others, The eccentric and the volunteers, Cut off from our human brothers. Some in Antarctica, some in their cells, And some in their quarantine – In one-bed flats and empty hotels, With the world reached through a screen. For the rest of the year, there’s nothing wrong with it, It suits us fine, or we make the best, But when the world gets the holiday spirit, Then we’re suddenly nobody’s guest. Looks like we’re on our own this year, Remote from the thoroughfares. Let’s sing like nobody can hear, And let others fill our empty chairs.
Photo by George Dolgikh @ Giftpundits.com on Pexels.com
The Ghost of Christmas Present
When we were young, before we earned a good wage, Then presents were the thing. Whatever toy was all the rage, We’d write to Santa, page by page, While fully knowing, any age, That parents were the ones who gave the bling.
When we were young, and hoping for the good stuff, Then presents were the thing. We dropped our hints, we played it tough, We wanted this, and sure enough, They’d always get us something duff, From parents clutching hard to apron string.
When we were young, and pocket money spent fast, Then presents were the thing. We’d waited long these six months past, Our only chance was here at last – But no ! Once more we were harassed By suitable and sensible and bettering !
When we were young…but now we’re good and older, And presents are a chore. We pay our own way, we are bolder, We don’t need a toothbrush-holder. What we need’s a crying-shoulder, Not the same old ritual as before.
Now we are old, we buy throughout the year, Yet presents still want more ! What can you get me ? Dear oh dear, I have all that I need right here. Should I hold off acquiring gear To add it to a list you’ll just ignore ?
Now we are old, and hopefully we’re wise, And presents lurk in drawers. Let’s be honest, compromise, And save our gifts for the little guys – Let’s pay it forward, share the prize – Even though we’ll get it wrong, of course…
As the son of a dairy farm, My Pa told me a secret charm – On Christmas Eve, between ourselves , Our cattle knelt at the stroke of Twelve. “Can I see it ?” “No, too late, You’ll have to grow up first and wait. Let’s tuck you up, like the hens and geese, And leave the girls to kneel in peace.” But unlike Thomas Hardy, I Was not prepared to pass it by, And woke by chance at seven-to When bursting for the landing loo. But having dealt with that, I said “How can I just return to bed ? This is my chance – I have to go, Or else I know I’ll never know !” I crept downstairs, across the floor, To don my peacoat by the door. I left my slippers on my feet For I had destiny to meet !, Not a second’s hesitation Could be wasted with a lace-on. Lift the latch and out we go, Crunching softly through the snow, (Despite that day’s half-hearted thaw), To squelch across the muck and straw That filled the barn, those bovine halls, And peeked into the Winter stalls (And now I wish I’d worn my wellies) – No ! They’re all led on their bellies ! Some had rolled onto their flanks, And none had tucked beneath their shanks, And all their heads were on the boards, And none kept vigil for the Lord. Our ev’ry beast was heathen-born !, From Hyacinth to Meadowcorn, And Daisy, Rose, and Honeydew, They each and all just slept on through ! And shame the most for Buttercup Who did her sleeping standing up ! So distraught was I, so dead, I didn’t hear my Father’s tread Until his hand was on my shoulder, “Seems tonight you’re growing older. I suppose I set this up, But never thought my little pup Would take my story at my word – It’s passed down with the family herd.” I tried to scream, I tried to cry But all that left my lips was “Why ?” “If you want to ask me that, It’s too late for a lengthy chat – So I will only answer once, Then off to bed and no more stunts.” “Then…then…I want to ask Is ev’ry story just a mask ? Are all the rest a lie as well – Like Santa, Jesus, Tinkerbell ?” “Fair enough, the answer’s Yes.” “For which ?” I blurted in distress, But he just smiled, and shook his head, And carried me upstairs to bed.
The Census of Quirinius by the circle of Willem de Poorter (I have no idea if ‘circle of’ is different than ‘school of’)
The Census of Quirinius
Ev’rybody, listen well, It’s time to let the tellers tell – It’s time to tally, toll, and tot, To work-out how much folks we’ve got. Ev’rybody, near and far, We need to count you where you are. Don’t move about, don’t clog the roads, We need you logged in your abodes. Get off those donkeys ! Park those asses ! Stop this movement of the masses ! We don’t care whose tribe is yours, Your genealogies are bores ! Whatever heritage you claim, You know, we’ll tax you just the same. So you’re descended down from David, Centuries years ago, hey kid ? But so is half the town, no doubt – You are aware he got about ? Ah well, I guess you’ve made it now, Let’s have your data anyhow –
You say you are a carpenter, And also you’re…a harbinger…? So would you be, may I enquire, Yet another Lord Messiah ? Oh, your son, you claim, not you ? I’ll put you down as Number II. But wait…I hear upon your tongue An accent…are you further-flung ?, A shibboleth upon your breath – You say you hail from…Nazareth ? You mean you live in Galilee ? Then why, by Jupiter, tell me ? Why can you Northerners not grasp, You pay your tax to Antipas ? Well yes, they all reach Rome, each load, But travel by a diff’rent road. Now please, go home !, our time is done, Now live your life and raise your son – But give to Caesar, nonetheless… So Hermes-speed, and Juno-bless.
Ev’ry year, they foist an austerity tree upon Trafalgar Square – Begrudgingly, they hoist it up with as few fairy lights as they can Just straight-up-and-down, with no helter-skelter, or swags, or laissez-faire, And only white, as if other colours fall foul of a bureaucrat’s ban. It looks a bit like a deep-sea comb-jelly, wilting embarrassed under our gaze. It even makes the Fourth Plinth look impressive – now there’s a paradox ! Haven’t we any goddam civic pride, or is that taboo these days ? Honestly, Oslo, we treat your heartfelt gift like a packet of socks. Thus the status quo avoids the threat of tinsel, and regulates ev’ry star, So the branches are bare of baubles, and of candy canes there are none. I guess it can’t outshine old Nelson, we need to remember who we are – For we are stoic, joyless Brits, and we mustn’t have too much fun.
As to how come there’s a tree in the Square at all, see here.
Ev’ryone thinks of Alpha, Alpha waves and alpha dogs – Beta has its beta blockers, Beta tests and beta logs – Gamma gives us gamma rays, And tennis gives us Gamma strings – And Delta – so much Delta ! With its rivers and its wings But no-one thinks of Omicron, As obscure as you get, What excitement could there be In the bowels of the alphabet…?
My daughter is getting into vinyl, And I wonder why, She can’t have much nostalgia For its world of middle-fi. It ended long before she even started, Dead and gone, Revived by boomer hairshirts Who cannot accept the world moves on.
She’s far too young for this old man’s hobby, Far too poor for these rich man’s toys, She never had to twiddle knobs To boost the signal, damp the noise. She never had the pops and crackles From the deep-down dirt that rocks her records as they roll – She never had to live with scratches, Etched across her far-too-fragile sheened and spiralled soul.
Give me digital to feed me, Give me digital to save, Give me megabytes of songs To last me to my grave. She’ll find out in her own time, And till then, let’s let have her thing – To swing the arm into the secret vault That makes the diamonds sing.
My teenage self would envy all her Easy access to her tunes, With soundwaves at her fingertips For filling busy afternoons – And not just playing them, but finding them, No matter how obscure. And yet, she wants to give it up For the world of the analogue-pure.
But maybe she’s cosplaying other lives, With second-hand vinyl bought-up cheap – I’d gladly give her my old forty-fives, But I long since chucked the useless heap. Music shouldn’t need kid-gloves, To tiptoe past, afraid to jive, to keep her groove on track. Let each girl play the songs she loves In beautiful fidelity, unshattered by shellack.
Give me digital to sing to, Give me digital romance, Give me cold hard ones and ohs On which the lasers dance. She’ll find out in her own time, And till then, let’s let her have her bliss – To open up the gatefold gates Of needle-drop and soothing hiss.
Disco sucks When it’s made by corporations, Disco sucks When it’s got no good vibrations, Disco sucks When it’s played to saturation, Disco sucks – On ev’ry bloody station till the end of the dials, With mindless hedonism and compulsory smiles, Just smothering with strings, suffocating other styles, With too much of a good thing round the clock. So if we just can’t face it, Then that doesn’t make us racist, Or homophobo hateist, Just because we wanna rock. Yet rock music sucks When it’s made by corporations, But all music rules When it undergoes mutations. So play your disco, sure, But play other stuff as well, To live in multi-Heaven and keep out of mono-Hell. When I hear too much rock, Then I mentally must clear it, To find something else pumping At a thousand kilojoules – And if I don’t hear disco for a while, And then I hear it, That hearing is the time when Disco rules !
Astronomers love hydrogen, And hydrogen alone – The primal, elemental gas, That lights up the unknown. They’re not so keen on helium, But tolerate it yet – But hydrogen’s their number one, As airy as things get !
Astronomers hate lithium, As dense and overweight, And ev’rything beyond it is Too scarce to even rate. They label them as ‘metals’, As a grey and seething mass – Yes, even carbon, even sulphur, Even chlorine gas.
Astronomers know metaloids Have properties each shares, But magnets and electron soups Are no concern of theirs, And dabbling in impurities Requires them to atone – For ’stronomers love hydrogen, And hydrogen alone.
Its time to ditch the postrophe, Its use is a catostrophe – A snare for those who cant decide Just how these ticks should be applied. Theyre deathly silent in our speech, Beyond the pedants overreach, Yet still weer well and understood – Just cos theyre there dont mean we should.
Rhyming Couplets 