When I die, don’t worry who I was, Don’t carve my name at Poets’ Corner – I hope my rhymes still cause a fuss, But let no stranger be a mourner.
When I die, let me die and be done, Don’t raise blue plaques or rename streets – I’d love to think my words still run, But they weren’t written for receipts.
Here’s a sing-song on playing ping-pong, With a rat-a-tat-tat on the tic-tac-toe With a whack and a smack and a snickersnack, With a there and back to the come and go – But the pitter-patter must clatter, I bet When heard from the other side of the net.
Here’s a song-sing on playing pong-ping, With a mi-re-doh to the swash and the swish, With a tock-tick tock-tick clacker-click, With a slow-slow-quick and a bosh-bash-bish, With a fum-fo-fi-fee la-la-land – But how does it sound if you play left-hand ?
Here’s a sing-ching on playing pong-pong With a buckle-my-Schubert under par, With a nee-nah nee-nah stick it up your jumper, Baa-baa blast-off twinkle star, With an eeney-meeny knees-and-toes – But how does it sound if you’ve got no nose ?
Here’s a see-saw on Plato plink-plonk With a yan-tan-tesseract mamma-me-and-you With an all-for-one and a four-four-two, A diddy-diddy-doo-da and lop-bop-be-doo With an ella-menno-pee and a ringo-john-and-paul But how does it sound from inside the ball ?
Here’s a *dok-dok* on playing *pat-a-pat* With a *boing-boof-bok* and a *spit-spot-SPLAT*
A supporter from the Nelson Memorial in Liverpool, sculpted by Richard Westmacott.
Rue Britannia
The trouble with lefties is cultural cringe – The feeling that England and Englishness Are suspect, colonial, Tory in dress, And bearing the taint of the hooligan fringe.
I swear, that there’s many a comrade I know Who just longs for our country to go down the gutter – So while we’re all queuing for teabags and butter, At least they can tell us they so told us so…
We know all the customs, yet scarcely believe them, We laugh at the toffs and the pomp and regalia, Meet with them rarely, yet long for their failure – We just see the wigs, not the justice beneath them.
However we came here, we’re on the same side, So don’t be ashamed of the marks that distinguish – We’re caring, and hopeful, and diverse, and English ! For aren’t we the ones who are all about Pride ?
And St George’s banner – why must we destroy it ? Let’s demystify it, but love the old flag. So wave it, or don’t – but it’s only a rag – It’s not gonna kills us if others enjoy it.
And yes, it is shame about God Save the Queen With its sentiments we’re ill-at-ease to endorse – But with national anthems, that’s par for the course – It hardly excuses our virtuous spleen.
Ignore all the words, and just hum to the tune – A dirgy tune, sure, but the one that we’ve got. And at least we all know it – let’s give it a shot, It’s only a minute, it’s all over soon.
There’s bad in our past, but those times were withstood – Let’s learn from our worst-selves, and never forget, And sing out our best side, and build on it yet – The odd bit of bunting might do us some good –
Don’t think that old England is not worth the fuss, For we’re all a big part of the way she turns out – Let’s change her for better, not whimper and pout ! Be proud of our nation, for this land is us !
The rich live in houses, the poor in cells, This is how classes are classed – From Kensington Gore to Tunbridge Wells The best were designed in the past. The poor get newer and concreted hells That are decomposing fast. Of course, the new could be just like the old, But then they would all get far too bold – So keep them ugly, keep them cold, And build them not to last.
For most of the people who live in a city, They’re not in the city at all – They’re out on the suburbs, a bus-ride away, In the bland and the ugly and small. But anyone’s free to enter the city, Though nothing is free once you’re there – There’s beauty and splendour for those who can stay, And a curfew for those who just stare. For only the richest can live in the city, The rest are the visiting poor, Who traipse-in to work there for day-after-day, And in through the tradesman’s back-door. They’re cleaning the crap off the streets of the city, They’re polishing egos and chrome, And serving up coffee for minimum pay, Then taking the final bus home.
Candirus – do they ? No. They don’t. Firstly they can’t, And second, they won’t. They parasite gills – Not penises, ever. They’d suffocate up there – That wouldn’t be clever.
They don’t swim up pee-streams (Even if laminar), Cos fluid dynamics Need far too much stamina. They haven’t a tool To wedge your tool wide, Nor have they the strength To push-up inside.
So next time you’re spreading A rumour or two That deep down you desp’rately Want to be true, When pissing on truth Cos it pleases your gut – Recall the candirus And keep your hole shut.
A neighbour, it was, who alerted us, Alerted himself by the muffles within – Apologising for making a fuss, “I’m no busybody, and she’s hardly kin, That’s why it took me this long to call – If only I knew my neighbours at all.”
I worked for the landlord’s agent, so I grabbed my coat and signed-out keys And hopped on a passing 220 To Fulham, above the Cantonese, Lift not working, second floor, With a gentle tap upon the door –
No reply, except some mewing – So I rapped again, then risked the lock, Announcing myself and what I was doing – A sudden guest can be quite a shock. Nobody home (though the stench was strong) – It turned out I was very wrong.
She sat upon her sofa, asleep, With two cats guarding her, agitated, The kitchen another three cats deep, And a sixth who snuck in while I waited, Calico, Siamese, blacks and tawny, Most of them hissing, all of them scrawny.
I knelt down beside the tenant then, Gently touched the back of her hand – The coldness a jolt, but I touched her agen, And all I could think of was all I’d got planned For that afternoon – all now postponed, While windows were opened and constables phoned.
The cats were making ev’rything harder, They’d made a mess, and were clearly starving – I found some tins of food in the larder, The way they fell upon it was jarring. Flies aplenty upon the ceilings, I fought down all my nauseous feelings.
The undertakers had taken her By six, so careful and so unblinking. I stayed away in the kitchen, shaken, Stroking the cats to stop from thinking. The PCs left the place to me, The neighbour popped-in with a cup of tea.
“I don’t think she had family, really, Kept herself alone, poor mite, Except her cats, she loved them dearly – What’ll become of them, tonight ?” I scooped one up to work her charms, Into his unexpecting arms.
Another neighbour took another, I badgered the landlord to take a brace, And one to my less-than-happy mother, And as for the last, she’s at my place – This job, right down to its chromosomes, Is all about providing homes.
Don’t call me a philistine, That’s racist ! Don’t call me a vandal or a thug. Don’t think just because you’re lower-case-ist That these words don’t have history to lug, That each was once intended to be place-ist, And keeping up old rivalries is strictly for the mug.
Or am I being studenty and smug ? The slandered tribes are all long gone, They’ve changed and merged and all moved on, And only pedants care enough to bug. Of course, the history involved Is fascinating to behold, Yet language doesn’t care, as it sweeps it all beneath the rug. But if you disagree, that’s fine, You’re free to call me philistine – And even though I’m not, I’ll only shrug.
Who burned down the Temple of Artemis ? “I,” said a man, “I did it for fame. I am proud to be the arsonist, Forcing the world to know my name ! Whistle me in nervous breathiness, Whisper me between your cheeks. You’ll all remember Limpfart of Ephesus ! Carry my name on the wind where it sneaks ! Limp…fart… Limp……… fart……… Toot my horn till my name reeks !”
Ptolemy, he knew the skies – At least, that much he saw of them Of course, he only had his eyes, And only words for drawing them.
He plotted out the vibrant stars Upon each underlying figure, But where ran the linking-bars Were sketched with far less rigour.
And then there were the hinterlands, The unincorporated flames Between the cities – roguish bands Too faint to ever warrant names.
He never saw the very South, The depths beneath the Argo’s keel, The Eridanus to its mouth, The wings and scales which pole-wards wheel.
So later gazers filled the gaps With modern and precision tools – They’re lacking in some myths, perhaps, A free-for-all where logic rules.
But Ptolemy has the last laugh, Those empty spaces serve their turn – For ev’ry dim and dull giraffe, Shall help his bears to brightly burn,
And sailors through the years are wise, From triremes to ships-of-the-line, To just ignore the cluttered skies And let Polaris shine.
Infact, Ptolemy named hardly any of the stars in his Almagest, with only the following:
Bootes: Arktouros (Arcturus): curiously, this is described as being ‘under the constellation’ and ‘between the thighs’ – so not technically part of Bootes at all. Lyra: Lyra (now called Vega) Heniochos (Auriga): Aix (now Capella) & Haedi (now called Haedus I & II, except Haedus I is now called Sadatoni). Aetos (Aquila): Aetos (now called Altair, which like Vega is a later Arabic name). Also of note is a passing namecheck to some stars being known as ‘Antonous’, a sort of mini constellette. This is in reference to a real individual and favourite of Emperor Hadrian who had drowned a few years previously – but despite Ptolemy’s sucking-up, his epitaph didn’t catch on, and his half-dozen stars are now firmly within Aquila. Tauros (Taurus): Hyádes (The Hyades) & Pleias (The Pleiades)clusters, but nottheir individual stars. Karkinos (Cancer): Onoi (Aselii, now Aselius Borealis & Australis). Leon (Leo): Basiliskos (Regulus), and also mentions an asterism called Plokamos (Coma Berenices) but doesn’t consider it a separate constellation (unlike today). So should I have named this poem Fifty ? Parthenos (Virgo):Protrygeter (now Vindemiatrix) & Stachys (Spica) Skorpios (Scorpius): Antares – the anti-Ares, or rival of Mars. Kyon (Canis Major): Kyon (Sirius) – Ptolemy names both the constellation and its brightest star ‘The Dog’, even though the name Sirius (or rather, Seirios)is both Greek and older. He also thought it looked reddish, which makes no sense (and it couldn’t be the final red giant phase of Sirius B, as there would still be evidence of lingering nebulosity). Prokyon (Canis Minor): Prokyon (Procyon, as in pre-Kyon) which name he also gives the constellationas a whole – all two stars of it – I’ve always thought it looks more like Canis Major’s juicy bone). Argo: Kanobos (Canopus)
Interesting that all bar two are still non-Arabic, though only Antares survives unscathed, with a few others receiving a light Latin makeover. Surprisingly, no mention is made of the two brightest stars in Gemini being named as Castor & Pollux. These are also the names of the Twins themselves, so presumably their transfer onto the stars is later. But even more surprising is that the Greeks apparently didn’t think it worth naming Betelgeuse, Rigel or Alpha Centauri.
There are a small handful of other Latin-based stellar names, and even a few Greek ones (mostly the names of individual Pleiadians), but these were coined later. For instance –
Bellatrix (Orion): from ‘female warrior’, it was first applied to Capella before being transferred in the 1400s and cemented by Johannes Bayer in 1603 – very much a name in search of a star… Polaris (Canis Minor): a shortening of Stellar Polaris, though I don’t know when the shortening first happened. The long version was recorded by Gemma Frisius in 1547, and it should be noted that precession has only moved this star closer to the celestial pole in recent centuries – indeed it won’t be at its closest until around 2100 (or should I say HE 12100 ?) – though it was probably the closest naked-eye star when Old English named it ‘scip-steorra’. Mira (Cetus): best known for being an exemplar for a type of variable star, Mira (from the Latin for ‘wonderful’) was names by Johannes Hevelius in 1662.
And finally, special mention must be made to the one lone Anglo-Saxon star name: Peacock in Pavo. (although ‘pea’ ultimately has a Latin root, though was very much in-use in Old English, as was ‘cock’, although the bird that would unite the two was unknown to them). Named by the RAF in the 1930s after its constellation, in much the same way as Ptolemy shows happening with Lyra and Kyon.
And speaking of Blighty, what did the mediaeval English farmhand think when looking up at the wide, unpolluted night sky ? It is hard to be sure what they called any of it before the Renaissance, though they likely knew the major constellations (The Plough, Orion, those of the Zodiac). It seems strange that they wouldn’t at least have had names for the twenty-odd brightest stars, but who knows – apparently Ptolemy didn’t either (because trust me, the ones he did name show a wide range of brightnesses). So perhaps the very concept of naming stars individually was invented by the Arabs ? And perhaps the very few exceptions that Ptolemy does mention are because these ones were used in astrology ? (I’m not sure they were more than others – I’m just speculating…)