After the storm, in the fury’s wake, When the wind is an innocent breeze, It barely can muster a half-hearted shake Through what remains of the trees, But knows its debris demonstrates Where a mighty chaos strode – In toppled fences, shattered slates, And a litter of twigs in the road.
After the storm, in the cyclone’s calm, When the wind is feeble and spent, It sheepishly strokes us, meaning no harm, As it whispers its way through the vent. But the proof of its debauched revelry Is strewn from the park to the square – And it’s secretly proud of its devilry As it gently ruffles our hair.
Somewhen early in the tetrapods, The limbs all ended in fives. They weren’t placed there by any gods, But by whatever survives. And even then, the fifth was smaller, With one joint fewer to flex – So even when we stood-up taller, The same stubby thumb projects.
Somewhen early in the primate time, We took to trees when stressed, And found our thumbs could help us climb If they opposed the rest. And so they carried, worked, and threw, With a thumbs-up and okay, When the runt of the fin with phalanges-two Hitched a ride on its DNA.
Somewhen, late in far far future, We may make do with fewer – Our pinkie, perhaps, a vestigial moocher, No longer much of a doer. Just ask the horses, running on a finger, The others written-out of their glands – Best to keep using ’em, that way they’ll linger, For genes have little use for idle hands.
Love, like jazz, is something that I’ve never braved, It’s not been in my bracket. Never tempted, never close-shaved – Whatever, I’m happy still to lack it. But you demand my offbeat soul be saved, And freed from its long-sleeved jacket – Assuming me as crippled and enslaved, Or thinking I just can’t hack it. But I have all the fellowship I craved, Without it costing a packet – So love, like jazz, has passed me by unscathed, In all its faff and racket.
Double-A in English ? Well, that can’t be right. What are we to do with this alpha-oversight ? A whiff of the exotic, though who knows from which address ? So how do we pronounce it ? I guess we’ll have to guess. It looks a bit Old-Testament, like Baal the Canaanite, Although surely ancient Hebrews had a diff’rent way to write ? With diff’rent letter-forms, and with not-a vowel included – Whoever chose the spellings in the Roman was deluded ! With a single-A that’s long and a double-A that’s short, Spelling things in English shouldn’t be a tricky sport… Our batteries are flat and our gearboxes stall – So we need to gain sobriety, but just who can we call ?
Infact, the double-A in Hebrew loaners are probably a relic of a slight ‘h’ sound between them, splitting them into two separate syllables. The Greeks, when translating the Bible, had little use for mid-word H’s, and eventually the sounds merged (though not the letters, because as everyone knows spelling must remain fossilised). See also Aaron.
And yes, I am aware that Aardvaark is usually spelled with only three A’s, and I’ve decided I don’t give a toss. Maybe Afrikaans pronounces ‘aar’ and ‘ar’ differently, but nobody in English does (hence the difference (and lack of difference) between Haarlem and Harlem). So if you are happy being silly in the front half, then I see no reason to get serious with the aarse-end.
The lurgy has broken my sleeping – Sweated, disrupted, and long. With headaches and backaches from keeping A posture my joints say is wrong. Repeating the same-old distresses Again and again, like a glitch in the stream – A nightmare that never progresses, A scratch in the grooves of a dream. But the night will pass, And with it this slough – It cannot last, I just have to live it for now. What once was a refuge is fevered and seeping, Brought on by this succubus lodged in my chest – The lurgy has broken my sleeping, And left me in need of a rest.
Mr Dan Brown, author extr’ordinaire, Thrilling and gripping and Devil-may-care – His fans want adventure, his fans want romance, And intrigue uncovered from New York to France, And heroes so clever and rugged and bold – The sillier the story, the tighter it’s told. Fast-and-loose plotting, his signature style – From airport to bedside, from breathless to smile.
And what of Da Vinci ? Would he agree ? Or would he be fuming, consumed in a rage, As he turns and turns the page ?
Now you and I both might well disagree, And see them as pulpy and intellect-free, With sneers at the ready, with snoots in the air – How we love to play pedant and cry it’s not fair. He’s got his facts skewed and his history wrong, So we have to correct him, for loud and for long. We’re putting him right and we’re putting him down – But the sales, they keep coming for Mr Dan Brown.
And what of Da Vinci ? Would he agree ? Or would he be laughing, strutting the stage, As he turns and turns the page ?
Dan Brown is on record saying that the ‘truths’ presented in The Da Vinci Code are all true. This of course is bollocks. But it is also irrelevant. And that infamous page of ‘facts’ at the start of the novel are just that – the start of the novel, a part of its world, and in no way to be criticised for not being a history textbook.
Remember, an author is under absolutely no obligation to tell the truth either on the page or off it – and indeed the whole point of fiction is to lie with style.
And yes, I am aware that I capitalised the Da in Da Vinci as if it were a surname and not an adjective. If you find this upsetting, then this is definitely the wrong blog for you.
Rumour, gossip, and have-you-heard Are back with a careless, venomous word. Scurrilous whispers have their way – They’re good enough for Salem and good enough today. So who needs doubt or burden of proof, When the tales are better than the boring truth ? When even liberals are mongering fears, With two-faced lattes and schadenfreud beers, And even the press has dropped its mask Of public int’rest, and sunk to the task. Rumour, gossip, and feathers-and-tar Has shown us all for the shits we are. That’s you. Yes, you. With your bleeding heart, You’re ev’ry bit the hypocrite as any old fart, You Guardian readers, as catty as The Sun – A few lives ruined, but you’ve had your fun.
Approaching Bellatrix, with the Sun directly behind us, as shown in Celestia. The slightly-distorted shape of Orion can be seen behind.
Gamma
Bellatrix – a blue-ish pixel, Fairly bright, as bright stars go. Drifting lonely through Orion – Closer than her neighbours, though. That means she must be smaller – And she’s just too small to go off pop – Strange that seven solar-masses Makes her baby of the crop. Was she born, like many of her cohort, In Orion’s cloud ? Maybe not – perhaps adopted, Hanging with the big boys’ crowd. But they’ll grow tall and all be gone one day, While she’s a quieter kind – She may turn red, but end up white, Forever left behind.
If we take a look at the vital statistics (according to Wikipedia, and I’ve rounded them off a bit) of the eight brightest stars in Orion, they are (by descending declination):
Meissa – (rhymes with ‘nicer’) – a double star: A is ≈28 solar masses, B is ≈10 solar masses.
Betelgeuse – (‘BEETLE-juice’. Yes, that’s right, that’s precisely how most people say it, because how can we not !) – ≈16-19 solar masses, depending on how far away he is, which is surprisingly hard to determine. (Bizarrely, according to the OED this name has only been in use in English since 1796.)
Bellatrix – (‘BELL-a-tricks’, just as you’d expect) – there seems to be some confusion as apparently Bellatrix is older that a star of her mass should be (7-8 solar masses) without having evolved into a giant, and it has been suggested that she is infact twins – a spectroscopic binary of two smaller, longer-lived stars, which would presumably make her Bellatrices ?
Mintaka – (‘MINN-tacka’) – a multiple-star system, but we’ll only worry about the two most massive: Aa1 is ≈24, while Ab is ≈22.
Alnilam – (‘AL-nillam’) – a whopping 40-44 solar masses, which possibly makes it the most massive naked-eye star up there, depending on where the cut-off for ‘naked-eye’ is set, and how bright the tempermental Eta Carinae is being this year.
Alnitak – (‘AL-nittack’) – again a multiple, Aa is ≈33, Ab a mere 14 or so.
Rigel – (either ‘RYE-gull’ or ‘RYE-jull’) – and now we come to the brightest of the lot (from our perspective) and another collective, with the main component being ≈21. (This name was first recorded in English in 1594 – no, I don’t know what the locals called it before then either.)
Saiph – (‘SAFE’) – and finally, a ≈15 tiddler to round us off.
Of these, all bar Betelgeuse are hot blue stars, but anything of a similar mass (so 20-ish or less) will presumably follow suit and swell up in the next few million years before exploding in a blaze of glory and leaving behind a neutron star. The fate of the heavyweights is less clear – they’ll certainly go super, but may never turn red, and some if not all of these will simply implode into a black hole denying us the spectacular brightening.Anything over ≈8 solar masses is thought to end as a Type II (though future bouts of mass-loss complicate things), with Bellatrix thought to be just too short to ride that particular rollercoaster.
Finally, a cap-doff is in order for this particular xkcd comic, and the Explain xkcd commentary in its wake…
Hannelora Helmholtz-Hertzsprung, Eight syllables of Sturm and Drang That trip along a Teuton tongue With a click of the heels from brother Wolfgang. If only Wolf and Hanni tried The Eidelweiss and Extrawurst, But they were born in Merseyside – So less Sachsen, more Anglo-cursed.
Helmholtz-Hertzsprung – what a surname ! H times three and twice Tee-Zed – They’re triply stung, as if to claim A ‘Graf’ and a ‘Von’, and be dubbed ‘the Red’. Her parents gave them the kind of name That only folks in stories give. What chance have they of meek and tame With monikers so transformative ?
They wonder at their German roots, Though mum’s their mum and not their Mutti. And their father’s never worn Prussian boots, And when asked why, he shrugs why should he ? Of the language, they speak no word, And their accents sounds less Saar, more Scouse. So why share names with a yodelling goatherd As if they’d been raised in a gingerbread house ?
Wolfie tries to harden his Double-Yoo, But ev’ryone still calls him a softie – He’s got the wrong voice, where even he struggles to, And sounding far more pretentious than lofty. A pair of Frankensteins lacking a zeitgeist, A Bildungsroman for these misplaced Franks – Their only reminder of whence their genes spliced Is that damn Nachname, upping their angst.
Helmholtz sounds like a planetary ship, While Hertzsprung, like a clockwork core – Or else a springbok, skittish to skip – The poor, poor dears !, emburdened with lore. Their parents gave them the kind of name That only elves and heroes get – But theirs it is, to shun or claim… Could Deutschland be über Alles yet…?
Hannelora Helmholtz-Hertzsprung – The name of a nuclear engineer – With phonemes thoroughly washed and wrung To perfectly balance the Rheinland ear. How can she live with so much hype ?, Precision-polished for wide acclaim. And yes, she knows that’s a stereotype, But verdammt !, so is her whole damn name !
Rhyming Couplets 