Swamm-Lore

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Swamm-Lore

Humans have been farming fungus
Since the old days of the Tang –
The jellied-ear perhaps was first,
And up the mycoculture sprang !
Shiitake and enoki,
Grown on logs and straw and bran,
Until in damp Enlightened France,
The button mushroom crop began.

Strange, the Romans loved their fungus,
Yet they never learned the knack –
And the monks were so productive,
Yet they only gave the yeast a crack.
Although, it proved quite tricky
Unless sterilized for pathogens –
Far easier to forage in the woods
That mess around with pens.

Meanwhile, folklore had been busy,
Earthy names for ev’rything –
Observe the toadstool and the stinkhorn,
Bird’s-nest and the fairy ring.
But where were all the memory-rhymes
On which ones was it not worth risking ?
Or how to tell a puffball
From a death cap or a poison pigskin ?

Perhaps there are no generalities
To indicate the vicious –
One-by-one, we learn how white gills, say,
Are deadly, or delicious.
Ugly textures, noxious smells,
May sometimes show vitality –
Their looks do not align at all
With fairytale morality.

These days, though, the urban myths
Are more concerned with mould and spore,
And in hallucinations,
And the nuclear clouds of war.
The time of the destroying angel’s
Shrouded in mediaeval mist,
Or from genteel whodunnits,
Or a pith-helmet nat’ralist.

Humans have been farming fungus,
Fascinated with their fruits –
Not really understanding them,
Yet sniffing truffles out of roots.
These days, it’s all commercialised,
To keep safe ev’ry cassarole,
Without an unintended killer
In our toadstool-in-the-hole.

The Chinese appear to have been farming Auricularia heimuer (aka the Black Wood Ear Mushroom) since the Tang Period (10618 – 10907 HE). They local name for it is ‘heimuer’, subsequently used as the species epithet.  However, I have been unable to find any guide as to how this is pronounced.  I think it may be something like high-moo-er, but that sounds more like a cow who has been feeding on a rather different kind of fungus…

Bernoulli’s Principal

Bernoulli’s Principal

The wing, as I was always taught,
Is always asymmetric –
Flat beneath, but curved above,
To make the wind go quick.

You see, it has a longer route to travel
Over the top.
And thus it has to hurry-up,
And make the pressure drop.

And thus, the wing is sucked straight upwards,
Sucked into the air.
But what they never told me was,
Just why the wind should care ?

Do they all think we think that the wind is alive
When charging ahead ?
Suddenly rushing to rejoin its friend
That blew beneath instead ?

Oh, and when pressure is low, it still doesn’t suck –
It shoves, as before.
What keeps us up is simply the fact
That high pressure presses more.

In short, there is no welcoming wind
To lure us into the sky.
But clearly something’s working here,
For aeroplanes do fly.

Journeyman Artist

Journeyman Artist

I’ve had to cut my prices,
As my canvases decrease –
No more ultramarine for Mary,
No more golden fleece.
My landscapes are a full foot shorter,
My Christ Childs have eight toes,
And the sitters for my portraits
Must do so in simpler clothes.
Another painter has come to town,
And she’s splashing her vibrant hues around –
A lady artist ?  Such novelty !
She’s practic’ly selling the things for free !

The trouble is, she’s also good –
But who could have trained her so ?
I’ve spent the last ten years with a master,
Just to learn what I know.
How is her flesh so creamy pink,
And how are her eyes so white ?
How does her satin fold in waves,
And her corsets clasp so tight ?
Another painter has set up shop,
And patronised by the very top.
Such soft, quick hands – so how will I cope ?,
As she grinds her pigments and crushes my hope.

What must I do to watch her work ?,
As she blushes her client’s cheek ?
And how can I stay professional,
As her brush-strokes leave me weak ?
But I must – she’s an artist like I’m an artist,
We’re brothers of the palette, are we…
But alas, she paints her angels and muses
Just as pretty as she !
Another painter is plying her trade,
And I know I should cheer the progress she’s made,
So I daren’t compliment the curves of her dress,
Or the delicate breasts of her shepherdess.

Soffits versus Crockets

Clare College Old Court, Kings College Chapel, and King’s College Gibbs Building in Cambridge.

Soffits versus Crockets

A war was waged in brick and lime,
Throughout Victorian abodes –
A battle fought in seminars
Of finials and glazing-bars.
It seemed so vital at the time –
For who defined the building codes
Controlled the future, wrote the book,
On how our homes and cities look.

The round opposed the pointed arch,
The column pushed against the pier,
As Classical and Gothic taste
Were drafted, pressed, and laid to waste.
With footslog critics on the march
To make their case and boo or cheer –
With so much breath and ink well-spent,
As up and up the buildings went.

But in the end, the Romans won –
The Gothic stalled, and fell from grace
Despite its use in school and hall,
It still felt churchy, overall.
Beneath Edwardians, its run
Was looking tired and losing pace –
Which was a shame, because its fuss
Was far more fun than serious.

As the following century
Dragged on, it ditched the Grecian-born –
As Classical found it was too
Of little use for shiny-new.
So buildings lost all sensory adornments,
All their locks were shorn –
And so the Battle of the Styles
Saw losses shared across the aisles.

Solo Traveller

Solo Traveller

Happy holiday, saddos !
In your needlessly double-rooms –
Honestly, single berths are only
For cots, and losers, and tombs.
Here’s your single-stayer supplement
To tax you for being alone
And your sad little single table
Where you silently scroll your phone.
Why did you even bother leaving home ?
Why do you care ?
What’s the point of meeting people
When you’ve nothing to share ?
Ah well, it’s all to our profit,
As you pass your gloomy weeks –
A mix of lonely spinsters
And asexual frigid freaks.
We do our best to rub it in, of course,
That’s always fun –
To let you know you’ve failed at life,
To holiday for one.
But in the end, you bring our other guests down
By being there,
You suck the sun right off the beach
With your self-contented air.

People are Stupid (and We are People)

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People are Stupid (and We are People)

Welcome to the cock-up club !,
You find us in good company,
For all of life is here.
It only takes a simple flub,
Or wrong-conclusions jumping free,
To sign up for the year.
We’ve all pushed at those doors,
Ignoring signs
That clearly say to pull.
We’re all stripped to our drawers,
From time to time –
With wits of cotton-wool.
But dare to look us in the eye,
With chin held high,
And take all come-what-may –
“I may have lost the plot,
But it was still my shot,
And mine to throw away.”

Welcome to the cock-up club !,
Where fellows blunder in size-twelves
When hacked-off at the knees.
A school-of-hard-knocks learning-hub,
Where silly-billies kick ourselves
With foot-in-mouth disease.
We’ve all passed through those doors,
Pulled up a chair,
And slumped and sulked a-while.
My tale is much like yours,
We’ve all been there –
At least let’s gaffe with style…!
Let’s dare to look them in the eye,
And dignify
Our faults without a frown –
“We may have made mistakes,
But they were ours to make,
And ours to double-down.”

Sound Systems

No surprise this monstrosity was created with AI

Sound Systems

Back in the Seventies, big cones were rare,
And so was the reggae they played.
But these days, both are ev’rywhere,
When blasting through suburban air
From weekend cars who love to share –
Just like in the cavalcade.

Yet come the Carnival, out come the gents,
As if it were yesterday –
It’s not a live show that this presents,
They aren’t musicians with instruments –
Their only action, in all events,
Is simply pressing ‘play’.

Sleep in Solo

Dreamers by Albert Moore

Sleep in Solo

We may lie down together,
But we always sleep alone.
Whatever dreams we’re slave to,
We must face them on our own.
When sleep makes heavy weather,
I can hold you till the sun,
But I cannot come and save you,
And there’s nowhere you can run.

Pastoral Symphony

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Pastoral Symphony

The countryside is sometimes all a chorus of its own,
With the songbird sky-sopranos saying grace –
And the yapping dogs’ falsetto, and the tomcats’ mezzo tone,
And the hens and pigeons make an alto brace.
The sheep are then the tenor, the pigs are baritone,
While the cows are mooing low down in the bass,
And underlying ev’rything, the bees provide the drone,
While the clip-clop hooves of horses beat the pace.
And finally, the donkey starts, a soloist alone –
She’s the braying primadonna of the place !

The Prayer in the Purr

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The Prayer in the Purr

What do cats dream,
Those tabbies, napping in the Sun all day ?
Are they getting cream,
Or perhaps they fighting with a scar-clawed stray ?
Does it scratch their itch,
Or raise a threat that’s coming out to creep ?
Ev’ry time they twitch,
Are they trembling from a nightmare stalking sleep ?

A cat has no other cats to call for mental health,
It’s up to them alone to learn to wake themself.
Is that why they sleep when the Sun is shining stark ?
As if they’re too afraid to have to lie there in the dark ?

What do we dream,
We humans, snoring to the Moon all night ?
Cheering on our team,
Or racing through our minds from guilt and fright ?
So is it so odd,
If felines fear, and maybe find some faith ?
If cats have a god,
I hope she’s keeping well her clowder safe.

So when they come to humans, just to join us on our bed,
And even though we partly know they’re looking to be fed –
Yet just for a moment, we feel it feel so deep,
As if they’re seeking comfort here to calm their troubled sleep.