My First Imperial Adventure

pole

My First Imperial Adventure

As a child, I loved to pore
Upon an atlas like a book.
The early chapters laid out Europe,
Where I knew it’s ev’ry nook.
Later on came Africa or Asia,
I forget which first.
The other next, then North, then South America
Would be traversed.
Oceania bringing up the rear,
And scattered islands next,
With local names italicised beside
The faithful English text.
That was the story’s climax, now the coda –
Now the final pair of plates –
The Arctic, then the Ant, in round tableaux,
The Baring and Magellan Straits.

Antarctica, to my surprise,
Had place-name labels scattered round –
The Ross Ice Shelf and Ellsworth Mountains,
Kemp Land, and McMurdo Sound.
Such British names ! The Arctic, though, was foreign –
Though I’d love to think
How Queen Victoria might send
The Royal Navy out to turn it pink.
Take Greenland, with its Anglo-Saxon name –
From Cape Farewell down in the South,
On through Discov’ry Bay to Upper Tooley,
And out East there’s Scoresby Mouth.
The Viceroy has his Residence in Goodhope,
With the inevitable railway lines –
Heading South to Hope St Julian,
Through Greenvale and the Squarehill mines.

And the Great Green Mainline steaming North,
With a branch and boat-train out to Sugar Top,
And via Lower Streamouth aerodrome,
To Foxborough – which once was the final stop,
Until the junction to Jacob’s Harbour,
(Ferries to God’s Haven from the pleasure pier),
Then the final push to Springfield Isle,
On viaducts of steel that we’d engineer.
Of course, in time the Esquimaux would learn
The ways of cricket and the bowler hat,
And in later years, there’s some would settle down
In Blighty, in a council flat
In Ashford, Accrington and Aberdeen,
To drive the buses and newspaper stands,
Opening churches, opening restaurants,
Marrying the local girls and forming bands.

I know, I know, so many problems
Unthought-out in the fantasy of a kid.
Just as well it never happened –
And yet…on a parallel Earth, it probably did.

You Bet Your Life

ball casino chance gamble
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You Bet Your Life

Blaise Pascal once placed a Bet,
And for a Stake he risked his Soul:
“If of Gods there’s Nothing yet,
Then all our Faith can’t fill the Hole –
But then, since no God will Notice,
For no God then Is at all,
So our Prayers unto Abyss
Have done no Harm nor broke no Law.

But, should I now choose Desisting,
Claiming Heavens are Unmanned –
And, should now our Lord be lis’ning,
So shall He declare me Damned.
Therefore, weighing Odds and Chances,
Losses made and Gains received,
Wager wise where Luck enhances:
’Tis far Safer we Believed.”

Roll up !  Roll up !  The Tote is open,
Honest Blaise the Bookie always gives the Smartest Odds.
And ev’ry Sharp and Rookie can apply
His Patent Foolproof System to the Big Game in the Sky.
Poker-Face Pascal knows the Score,
He’s Croupier to the Heavenly Draw –
He’s got the Inside Track on Hoping,
He’s the Turf Accountant to the Gods
.

Alas, Blaise, your God is not
The Only Game to play in Town,
A thousand other Evens Lots
Can yet be Laid when eyes are Down.
Such Longshots aren’t worth a Flutter,
Spin the Wheel and watch the Ball,
And pray it Lands within your Gutter –
Better not to bet at All.

So, whichever Gods are Winners,
Rank us Luckless all the same:
As Heretics and Bankrupt Sinners –
Even those not in the Game.
And if I Bust, I’m Damned if they
Shall claim the only Stake I’ve got.
But Stick or Twist, collect or Pay,
Let’s ante-up the Mortal Pot.

Roll up !  Roll up !  The Gods are waiting
Three Prayers for a Fiver, and the Fate Tombolas roll !
Now ev’ry Saint and Skiver gets to play
With Aces high and Jokers wild, and Tabs till Judgment Day.
Brokerman Blaisey knows the bid,
With Afterlife Shares just seven-a-quid:
He has the Dope and Gen and Rating,
He’s the Underwriter to the Soul.

Aves Rupublica

bird birds usa raven
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Aves Republica

We all know what will happen
If these ravens quit the Tower –
Strange to think these scavengers
Should hold such royal power –
To keep the crown from toppling,
They are crippled in one wing,
To fawn and clown for punters,
(All still peasants of the king.)

But you should be flying, Raven,
You should have flown,
For what cares a raven for propping-up thrones ?
Be mightier, Raven, than magpie or rook –
For the higher you fly, so the smaller we look.

We all know what will happen
If these ravens quit the Tower –
So much like us, they’re savaged
Just to keep the nobs in power.
They’re victim of Victorians,
They’re prisoners to lore –
If only they could bring them down,
And goad them “Nevermore !”

For you should be soaring, Raven,
You should be gone,
For what cares a raven for owners of swans ?
Be mighty, oh Raven, and help us stand tall –
For the higher you fly, so the further they fall.

The whole myth only started in Victorian times, and to this day these magnificaent birds are denied their natural instinct to fly for the sake of tourist pounds.

A Pile of Babbage

Difference Engine
The Difference Engine at the Science Museum

A Pile of Babbage

You built a Diff’rence Engine
Just to see if it would work,
Then locked it in a cabinet
And let it snooze and shirk.
In all of its magnificence,
It’s still in cog and joint.
You say it makes no difference –
I say, that’s just my point !

Star-Glazing

Richard Feynman
Richard Feynman giving a lecture on the motion of planets around the Sun

Star-Glazing

(In reply to Walt Whitman)

When I heard the Learn’d Astronomer,
When the proofs and figures were ranged
In columns before me, to add and measure,
When shown his charts and diagrams strange,
When I, sitting, heard the Astronomer,
Where he lectured with much applause,
How soon, tired and sick, I stirred
And wander’d off by myself outdoors.
There in mystical moist night-airs,
From time to time I look’d up clear
In perfect silence at the stars,
(And thought them small, and rather near.)

This is my take on Walt Whitman’s poem of the opening line.  I’ve shuffled things around and made it rhyme, but most of it is his words except for the last line.  Turns out he was just a luddite after all.

The Queen of the Cockles

black seashell beside beige stone
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The Queen of the Cockles

Fine scallops and oysters
For townlands and cloisters,
And cockles and mussels – alive, sirs, alive !
Come find one and pluck it
From out of my bucket –
It’s yours for a penny – or fourpence for five.

            Fresh from the beaches of fair Dublin Bay,
            Fresh from the sands where they thrive, oh !
            Fresh from the beaches, and fresh ev’ry day –
            Cockles and mussels alive, alive-oh !


There’s no need to scrimp it
With whelk or with limpet –
I’ll sell you no snails, sir – I’m clams through and through.
Don’t ask me for sprinkles
Of peries or winkles –
Why settle for one shell, when you can have two !

            Fresh from the wash of the fair Irish Sea,
            Plucked-out as soon they arrive, oh !
            Fresh from the sand to the boat to the quay –
            Cockles and mussels alive, alive-oh !


There’s some who dig beaches
For lugworms and leeches,
But they make a slimy and wrigglesome catch.
And scampi and crab, sir,
Will scamper and jab, sir –
But mine are like eggs that are waiting to hatch !

            Fresh from where seagulls love combing the sand,
            Fresh from where cormorants dive, oh !
            Fresh from Portmarnock and Dollymount Strand –
            Cockles and mussels alive, alive-oh !


So what do you say, sir,
To venus or razor ?
Just tease-out my beauties with jack-knife or steam.
They may hold a pearl, sir,
A feast for your girl, sir,
You’ll soon warm her cockles with cockles in cream !

            Fresh from the beaches of fair Dublin Bay,
            Fresh for your ladies and wives, oh !
            Fresh-in from Skerries and Claremont and Bray –
            Cockles and mussels alive, alive-oh !

This isn’t about Molly Malone, but one of her fellow-hawkers.  Though I do like to imagine Molly and Leo Bloom passing each other and stopping to share the craic.

Sweet Placebo

color drugs medicine pills
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Sweet Placebo

Doctor, doctor, I’m losing it for sure –
I need a hit of medicine, I’m begging for a cure –
I’ll suffer any needle and I’ll swallow any pill,
Just make it quick and do your schtick, I’m sick of feeling ill.

Squirt me full of salty water – mercy, how I parch !
Grind some powder in your mortar, even if it’s starch,
Pop me full of sugar tablets,
Give me lucky feet of rabbits,
Give me anything, I’ll grab it.  Health is on the march !

Doctor, doctor, my body’s playing tricks –
I need a shot of remedy, I’m aching for a fix.
I’ll dose on any tincture and I’ll slather any balm –
Just take my pulse while I convulse, and never lose your calm.

Scrip me up a snake-oil tonic, trick me back to health –
Humour me my case is chronic, medicate with stealth.
Wear your lab-coat, reassure me,
Use your stethoscope to lure me,
Use your firm deep voice to cure me.  Help me help myself.