The Cester Slur

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The Cester Slur

Launceston is an English town
Which stubs its name and hacks it down.
And likewise Leominster says it strange,
While Fowey and Wymondham short our change,
And Cholmondeley too is slave to fashion,
Following the -cester ration –

Alcester, Bicester: trochees truly,
Frocester, Gloucester: spelled unruly,
Leicester, Rocester: letters wasted,
Saucy Worcester: under-tasted,
Towcester: always worth a snigger –
Spoken short, but written bigger.

But then there’s stuck-up Cirencester –
Siren, maybe, but no jester.
She’s no sissy, she’s no sister.
Strong like -caster, long like -chester –
Who’d have guessed her lack of slur ?
For she’s all -cester, not a -ster !

I should point out that the towns menstioned are pronounced Laun-ston, Lem-ster, Foy, Wind-ham and Chum-ley.  All of the rest are xxx-ster (except Cirencester, obviously, which has all four syllables).  Except some folks in the past have tried to insist that the latter should be pronounced as Sis-is-ter, which even be the rules of eliding that the others follow still doesn’t make any sense…

Oh, and Towcester is said as Toaster, which gets the Toastingfork prong of approvement.

Brownfield

wasteland

Brownfield

Groundsel grounds, where nettles nest
Between the tyres and scattered glass,
Where breeze-blown wrappers come to rest
Amid the hedgehog-hiding grass.

Round the corner from this waste
Are streets of white suburban palings –
But in here the bees make haste,
And foxes slink through rusty railings.

Snakes and lizards keep discreet
Amongst the clinker, bricks and stone.
But crickets, toads and parakeets
Still let their whereabouts be known.

Broken concrete catches rain,
Which lures the newts from nearby parks.
Mosquitos fill each pit and drain
With twitching ink-black question marks.

The bats all chase the moths all night,
The wrens all chase the flies all day,
The moles chase worms, but out of sight,
But slugs won’t run – they’re here to stay !|

Ferrets stalking, hamsters feeding,
Both escapees from their pens.
Cats are courting, bugs are breeding,
Badgers building urban dens.

Spindly stalks with leaves too large –
Some saplings from the gardens near.
So will they get to swamp and barge,
And grow an urban forest here ?

But suddenly, this patch is gone,
As diggers turn it into town.
The residents will soon move on,
And find another field of brown.

April Smarts

bloom blossom branch flora
Photo by Tabitha Mort on Pexels.com

April Smarts

We sense the sun is on the scout,
With Winter nothing but a pout,
And Spring a whisper to a shout,
And mornings quite the charm.

But hold, before we’re dashing out
And leaving coats to hang about,
For dressing down, not dressing stout,
Could lead us into harm.

I know the sun is warm today,
But sneaky Spring has form, they say –
He loves to send a storm our way !
Yet no cause for alarm…

Just run your mornings by the book
And take your coat down off the hook,
To lodge it safely in the crook
Of a shirt-and-cardy arm.

Moveable Feast

cactus
Hatiora gaertneri by Peter Coxhead

Moveable Feast

My poor, befuddled Easter cactus –
Sometimes early, sometimes late,
But never can it bloom in practice
On the actual Easter date.
We set a day for April Fools,
We set a day to change our clocks
But Easter follows loony rules:
The first full-Moon from Equinox.

Early April’s worth a shout,
I reckon, for a stable day –
It’s warm enough for going out,
And far enough from busy May.
But all this shifty, ancient mess
With sense as empty as the tomb,
Is why my cactus cannot guess
The week in which to bloom.

Value-Added Tax

Hector
Hector the Tax Inspector by Snowden Fine Animation

Value-Added Tax

Every pound that I pay
Has purchased a share in my nation.
I’m part of the budget, I’m part of the say
Of the flashiest, costliest product around:
A civilised civilisation.

Income and Council and Capital Gains,
Sell me a future with teachers and trains !
Bring me some hospitals, bring me some parks !
Streetlights and windfarms and paintings and quarks !
Make my tomorrow’s that little bit better,
And p’raps I’ll remember when I get your letter,
And grumble a little bit less as your debtor,
Amidst all my curses to Keynes, Smith, and Marx.

But every hour I slog,
Has paid for another back-hander or bullet –
I’m part of the problem, a complicit cog,
An atom of grease on a lever of power,
That’s slightly my fault when they pull it.

Yet still we must pay up, for bad and for good,
To give unto Caesar, and not Robin Hood.
For we all have to fork out, and that is its beauty,
(Though exiles and pirates find loopholes for booty).
Yet still I believe that the wars and the royals
Shall wither away in the face of our toils,
So earn hard, oh Britain !, and fair-share the spoils –
For these are our Customs, and this is our Duty.

Jaxman

monopoly

Jaxman

Georgie Porgy, little piggie
Got his fingers in the pie
But won’t pull out a plum to help
The hungry hordes get by.

Living like a sweet lord,
While your gold guitar is weeping
At the royalties you’re reaping
That are only heaven-high.

You know full well that ninety-five
Is only for your grossest grosses
Else you’d blow the lot on wives
And truffles, booze, and overdoses.

For all your gurus, chants and lamas,
Still you stash in the Bahamas,
Cheating hospitals their due.
It’s time to hang a sign on you.

You love to drive your DB5
On roads you hate to pay for,
Or sit and sulk in Friar Park
And wonder why you stay for –

Living like a nowhere man,
There’s something in the way you move –
Here comes the sonny-boy to prove
He wants to quit this shore.

Yet stay you do, while John and Ringo
Languish in their funky Swiss bliss.
(I wonder what they have to hide,
To cause their monkey business ?)

Georgie Porgy, whinging still,
While boasting ‘look how big’s my bill’.
They’ll never tax your feet, though –
You’ll be fine.

Georgie, Georgie, we were talking
’Bout the folk who gain the world
But lose their soul to I Me Mine.

Victus

David's Demise
David’s Demise by Jason Brady

Victus

There’s some who look on history
As pages waiting to be filled,
They seize the day and shake it hard
Until all wild oats are tilled.

And some of us view history
As what was going on besides,
While we were busy being born,
Or catching up with last year’s tides.

There’s those who sit in judgement,
And there’s those who have to dust the throne –
There’s some whose names are chiselled down,
And some who have to work the stone.

And so it goes, and so it went,
And history will keep the score –
There’s those who fill the greatest tomes,
And those who sell them door-to-door.

Golden Ages Last For Ages

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Golden Ages Last For Ages

Every critic will tell you which is cool,
And which ones suck.
And we are happy to let them, fool !
For if they’re right, it’s only luck !
We trust them to know our own minds better,
And welcome their shame at our previous faves –
We beg them for news on the new trend-setter,
And willingly sign-up as slaves.

But if we’re honest,
Then we must let our guilty pleasures rule –
For only we know which are best
And those will always be uncool.
Whenever anyone states as a fact
That x is better than y,
It’s time that their advice was sacked –
Goodbye !

The golden age of art
Is the one we’re in right now, I say !
And ev’ry age before us
Was as golden in its way.
For ev’ry single year has seen
Our inspiration in the pink –
We’re loving it by millions,
Despite what critics think.

Downpour

Photo by Ahmed Mulla on Pexels.com

Downpour

This rain is the rain of Poseidon,
The bullets of Buddha,
The stair-rods of Heaven –
It’s raining all over,
From Doha to Dover,
From Denver to Devon –
The swimmers must swim
And the timid must drown,
While the conquering thunder is taking the town.

This rain is the weeping of Angels,
The bleeding of Furies,
The flooding of Hades –
The wrath of the mountains,
The succour of fountains,
The drencher of ladies –
The cats follow dogs,
And the grey follows brown,
And it looks like it ain’t going nowhere but down !

April Howlers

papers
Newspapers by Ol.v!er [H2vPk]

April Howlers

“ROYAL PRINCE TO JOIN THE SCOUTS”
The 48-point headline shouts.
“LANDLORD CLAIMS HIS PUB IS CURSED”
It must be April First.

“SOAP STAR’S THREE-WAY LOVE-NEST ROMP”
“COUNCIL RUMPUS OVER SWAMP”
“iPHONE MADE APPENDIX BURST”
It must be April First.

“MP’S SON HAS NIGHT ON TOWN”
“CANCER RISK FROM SITTING DOWN”
“BACK-TO-BACKS TO BE REVERSED”
It must be April First.

“LEFTIES BAN ALL KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES”
“ROCK STARS CLAIM THEY’RE AVERAGE BLOKES”
“GOALIE SEES THE GHOST OF HURST”
It must be April First.

“VICIOUS LIES TO REAP AND SOW”
“NOTHING HERE YOU NEED TO KNOW”
“WE CONFESS ALL: WE’RE THE WORST”
Now that would be a first !

“JOBLESS SCROUNGERS PREY ON FOLKS”
“GLOBAL WARMING: JUST A HOAX”
“IMMIGRANTS MUST BE DISPERSED”
Please make it April First !