Reverend, Reverend, writer of the tales: Murder, guilt and passionlust, herringful and slick. Popular and idolised, blessèd are your sales, Though the critics pan you off as “slight” and “formulaic”.
Reverend, Reverend, writes another tale: Murder, guilt and passionlust, once more with a twist – The victim here is Jesus Christ, crucified, impaled. Yet we know the killer has to be the one who kissed.
That’s okay, the Reverend is not asking whodunnit, He tells it straight and poignant – for kudos, not for wealth. Yet at the Ascension, so a final twist is sprung: It turns out in Heaven waits old Lucifer himself.
“Just how can a Christian priest write of such a blasphemy ?” Ask his readers and his bishop, still not comprehending. “All because I do believe the Lord will yet forgive me, (And I’d surely sell my soul for fiendish-good twist ending.)”
I feel the joke in this one is rather laboured, as are some of the rhymes. Incidentally, the Bible contains one of the first locked-room mysteries in literature in the Book of Daniel (or at least in the versions that allow house-room for the apocryphal additions such as Bel & The Dragon). And if you’re interested, the most common fish in the Sea of Galilee was the tilapia.
Following on from the recently underwhelming week of early tat, and because I want to reach my third birthday next May before the barrel is dry and the cupboard is scraped, I’m once again fishing around in the week-old bag of lettuce leaves for the ones that not quite too-far gone – believe me, there are others in there which are nothing but liquid sludge.
These ones are just about presentable, especially after a few nips and tucks with the blue pencil.
A minister’s office. There is a knock and the Professor enters.
Minister Ah, professor, good afternoon. It’s really very good of you to see me quite so soon.
Professor Oh, no trouble, Minister, no trouble at all. I came the very minute that I first received your call.
Minister Then let me bring you up to speed the problem facing here: Something has been happening, and something very queer. Something has affected quite the very way we speak, It’s spread across the nation within only half a week, It’s very hard to spot, of course, which makes it all the worse – But each and ev’ry citizen has started talking verse.
Professor But surely you don’t mean…
Minister Alas, I rather mean I do.
Professor But what then made you realise ?
Minister (on intercom) Ah, Bridget, tea for two. (to Professor) Oh, little things, just nagging doubts.
Professor You thought you had some pests ?
Minister We wanted to be certain, so we ran a batch of tests. We’ve got our finest boffins out there looking for the source.
Professor But why then did you turn to me ?
Minister It’s time to alter course. We need to find an antidote, we really can’t delay. And that is why I called you in…
Bridget (entering) We’re out of Earl Grey.
Minister Well never mind, well never mind, I’m sure this shall suffice.
Bridget exits.
Professor I really can’t imagine I could give you sound advice.
Minister But you’re our finest scholar, you must surely have some clue ?
Professor Nothing at the moment, I’m afraid.
Minister One lump, or two ?
Professor But are you really certain that we’re talking all in rhymes ? There hasn’t been a mention in the Telegraph or Times.
Minister We’ve had to keep it hush-hush so as not to cause a panic. Would you like a ginger-nut ? Don’t worry, they’re organic. Of course, it isn’t fatal – no, the country’s not entombed – It’s just so very curious…
Professor We’re doomed, by God, we’re doomed !
Minister Now not to be alarmist, or to overstate things grossly, You’d never even know it’s there unless you listen closely To the steady pitter-patter in the rhythm of each sentence…
Professor We’re doomed, I say ! We must all pray, and beg the Lord’s repentance.
Minister Professor ! Pull yourself together ! I need you now to think – There must be something, anything, to save us from the brink ?
Professor Wait ! There may be something…the problem is systemic.
Minister The problem is we’ve staring at a bloody epidemic !
Professor The problem is within the brain and its linguistic centre Now, usually it’s very good at recognising…
Door knock
Minister Enter.
Bridget enters and clears the tea things.
Professor …the diff’rences in how we speak, but something has confused it.
Bridget Shall I clear the paper, too ?
Minister I haven’t yet perused it.
Professor We need to shake it up again, with something quite sublime: By ending ev’ry sentence with a word that doesn’t rhyme ! Now ev’ryone’s aware that there is nothing rhymes with orange…
Bridget I’ve contacted the builders to come and fix the door hinge.
Professor Another word that comes to mind – there’s none to find with chimney.
Bridget That Watkins tries to feel my legs – he said I had a trim knee.
Professor There must be more, there must be more – I’m sure we’re safe with plinth.
Bridget That gift I need to buy your son – was it guitar or synth ? I’ve called the milliners – your wife has found her trilby small. Will there be something else ?
Minister No thanks, I think that will be all.
Bridget exits.
Professor There’s must be more examples, such as anxious, purple, month…
Minister No rhyme, say you ? That can’t be true ! Why, surely there is… There is… Hah ! You’ve done it ! I’ve stopped rhyming. How can I ever thank you professor ? Your suggestion will save the country. Finally, we can stop the rhyme.
Ev’ry staircase runs in two directions, Even MC Escher’s – Join midway – on a landing, say, And we all must make selections – Oh, the pressure ! Do we climb for the sky through the oculus eye ? Or sink in the bowel of the gravity well ? Perhaps it’s an endless trip round a Mobius strip, To spiral-step forever. Jacob’s dreams have gone to town, As the stairs go up, but the stairs go down – Descend today, and tomorrow we rise, Or labour now for a future of ease. Yet up is always hard on our thighs, And down is hard on our knees.
Ev’ry, dammit, ev’ry time My ev’ry sports a ’postrophe, You howl and howl my spelling crime As tho’ you were the boss o’ me. But still they pop extr’ordin’ry, Dishon’rab’ly, inord’nat’ly, By lis’ning out for how it’s said When diff’rently from how it’s read. So speech shall speak, and lit’rature obey – Just deal with it, you soph’mores – cos the commas stay !
I won’t eat a creature with eyeballs to see, Nor noses or ears will I hurt. So that’ll be mussels and starfish for tea, And sponges and worms for dessert.
detail from Royal Sappers & Miners, Working Dress, 1854 by George Campion
Some Officers Have Coaches And Horses To Order About
Landau, take me down the lane. Hansom, turn beyond the trees. Phaeton, take me home again By fifty-four degrees. Ride a tangent from the mews To the sign of the Hypotenuse.
Adjacent to the Octogon, Opposite the bend in the strand, For a measurable distance on. Times by the four-in-hand. Send a spyder, send a fly, On a steeplechase by the root of pi.
The third week of September – Is it really Summer still ? Does the heat of late July Belong beside the early chill ? Can we yet regard it Summer When the leaves are on the turn ? When the holidays are over, When the sun has lost its burn ? Let’s not cling to Summer But embrace the golden time of year ! Why wait until the Equinox When Autumn is already here ?
Moses is a psycho, And Jesus is a wimp, Buddha is a lardarse, Ganesh is more a gimp, Mohammed is a pedo, While Mary is a prude, Yahweh is a rapist, And Paul is just unglued.
Onan is an onanist Who loves to bash the bish, Zeus a sexual preditor, Cthulu cold as fish, Ra just gives us side-eye, While Odin squints when viewed, And Allah must remain unseen Because he’s in the nude.
Tucked up under the eaves of the church The gargoyles lurk upon their haunches, Spindly fingers stroking their paunches. Out the corners of my eye they lurch, But when I turn, they’re stony still – A sneer on every maul and bill. “You can’t fool me by playing statue, Because, one of these days, I’ll catch you !”
Craning up at the eaves of the church, I’m staring-out their stones and mortar, Gagging on their breath of fetid water. Square is my gaze upon their perch, Just waiting for their craggy blink To prove they move as much as they stink. But I stare in vain, and most unwise, When one of them gurgles, and spits in my eyes.
Rhyming Couplets 